Eliminating Jealousy and Envy as a Woman

I’ve never considered myself to be a jealous or envious person. I honestly still don’t. However, I think it is ignorant not to understand that it’s an innate emotion that we experience as humans, regardless of our professed faith. It’s a part of our flawed human nature, whether we regard it or not.

As I write this blog, I’m currently on a flight back home, after a long weekend with some flight delays in Texas. I truly enjoyed the past few days, and have spent some time in devotional as well as much-needed self-confrontation. On the flight, a few minutes ago, God began to download the things I’ll be sharing in this blog, and honestly, I believe it will be so helpful to all of you reading.

Now, as I said, I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a jealous person – but I have come to recognize moments and areas of my life that the enemy, and sometimes my own human nature, have felt seeds of jealousy begin or attempt to take root in my heart. This year, as we are approaching Valentine’s Day, which is literally tomorrow, I had no plans of talking about relationships, singleness, etc. But it’s a prominent area, I believe, that can be talked about when it comes to jealousy and envy, especially in this season of my life.

Due to social media and our current social climate, we are bred to desire relationships and romantic love because it simply floods our social feeds, whether we like it or not. And I’m sure that you’ve seen the comments like “must be nice…” That ‘must be nice’ is a seed of discord and jealousy that can and potentially will take root in our hearts. Anything you admire begrudgingly can become what you secretly desire in envy. And this simply isn’t God’s design for you.

I’ve shared it here in the past – I love love. I love all things romance, like the over-the-top, swoon-worthy, borderline fairytale love. Yet, a part of me has been tired of hearing about it lately… and I mean that in the best way possible. It comes up in conversations. I’m surrounded by quite a few people in relationships. I see it on social media. It’s hard to get away from, and impossible to ignore. And as much as I admire romance, I simply no longer want to be consumed or focused on it.

What do you do when the thing you desire isn’t the thing God brings to you now? And how do you respond when others around you are enjoying and celebrating what you desire?

My personal example is singleness, but yours may not be. It can be so many other things, like family dynamics, friendships, careers, educational opportunities, business successes, and so on. There are so many good things our hearts may desire that God simply hasn’t ordained for now, or ever – and the thought of ever is the hardest truth.

One of the things God confronted me with this week is my lack of focus. He’s put specific things in my hands, and I must say there are a lot of things. And to some extent, I’ve allowed myself to become sidetracked by the other things that I don’t have but still desire – like a romantic relationship. In trying to achieve my perfect love story, I’ve taken my eyes off the blessing of my current reality. It’s dangerous when your focus on what others have causes you to lose momentum, desire, and passion for what God has given you. The truth is this: as much as I may desire a relationship, I cannot manufacture one. And the greater truth is, I cannot enter the wrong one. Jealousy and envy have a way of distracting you from your ultimate focus. It can cause you to pursue things that are out of season.

I’d rather endure a moment of impatience and discomfort than a lifetime of sorrow and mockery. It’s possible that in your attempt to keep up with others, due to your jealousy and envy, you can make a poor decision that costs you the future God has perfectly ordained. Think about what happened to Sarah! She couldn’t wait for the timing of God to fulfill His promise, and she convinced Abraham to make a baby with Hagar - only to later have her mistake mock her miracle. “But Sarah saw Ishmael—the son of Abraham and her Egyptian servant Hagar—making fun of her son, Isaac.” – Genesis 21:9 NLT

Seven Causes of Jealousy and Envy

1. Poor Focus

2. Wrong Environment

3. Lack of Guidance

4. Foolish Desires

5. Lack of Satisfaction

6. Missing Purpose

7. Mistrust in God

Confronting the Ugly Truth of Jealousy and Envy

In eliminating jealousy and envy as a woman, it’s important to realize some hard truths. You must come to terms with your season. You must accept God’s timing. You must submit to God’s will. And you must wait for your turn. The truth is hard, but it will surely set you free.

It’s especially easy nowadays with social media to desire a certain kind of lifestyle. Luxury high-rise apartment, making over six figures, young and married, vacations every other week, and so on. We imagine our lives to be, and ourselves to be deserving, of any and everything that other people have, as though God "owes" us. Because if God is good, why wouldn’t He want me to have all the desires of my heart… even if they are rooted in poor intent and wrong motives…?

“Delight yourself in the Lord , And He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart.” – Psalms 37:4 AMP

There’s been a great misunderstanding of this scripture. God owes us nothing. In reading this scripture in context, it’s clear that by submitting to God, He puts desires in our hearts to align with His will and His way.

Now, in the context of my personal example and living reality, a relationship and a beautiful marriage are definitely something God has for me. However, not now. The tension we face in our souls, which becomes the basis for jealousy and envy, is "God, how come it’s not now for me, and now for them?" This is where the seeds of discord begin to take root. It seems unfair that your desire may be put on hold, or unattainable, while others are enjoying it – especially when you can ‘prove’ that they don’t deserve it more than you.

How come she’s getting married, and she just became a Christian? I’ve been a Christian for years.

How come he has a six-figure job without a degree? I went to school and have a few years of experience.

How come they are going on trips around the country, while I can barely afford to pay rent? I’ve been praying about my desire to travel for longer than I can remember.

It’s simply not fair…

And that’s the root of jealousy and envy we are seeking to eliminate. The root is selfishness, bitterness, and a false sense of justice.

God will sometimes delay us as a test of our trust in Him. God, can I trust your no as much as I celebrate your yes? Will I still serve you in a season where others enjoy my heart’s desires?

After coming to terms with the jealousy and envy that may be rooted in your heart, there are a few things you can do.

Three Ways to Eliminate Jealousy and Envy as a Woman

1. Destroy Your Idols

   • An idol is anything that you place before God. Often, whatever it is that you are jealous or envious of has become an idol. God disdains anything that we place before Him. Destroy your idols through vulnerable surrender to the Lord and continual seeking. Put God back in His proper place as your one and only! Don’t allow your desires to become your guide. Want Him more than you want that thing, position, place, or relationship. Seek Him more than you seek after earthly things. “You must not make any idols. Don’t make any statues or pictures of anything up in the sky or of anything on the earth or of anything down in the water. Don’t worship or serve idols of any kind, because I, the Lord, am your God. I hate my people worshiping other gods. People who sin against me become my enemies, and I will punish them. And I will punish their children, their grandchildren, and even their great-grandchildren.” – Exodus 20:4-5 ERV

2. Limit Your Access Points

   • Much of what we desire is determined by what we consume, such as movies, shows, social media, books, and conversations. We consume more than what we often consciously realize. Limit your access points by consuming less of what you desire, or consume it in doses. This may look like pressing the “not interested” button on social media or unfollowing those who post about what you are struggling with. Proper limits will permit your freedom! “Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!” – Matthew 6:22-23 NLT

3. Catch Yourself Slipping

   • Your desire will remain your desire, unless it’s evil and simply not God’s will. Not every desire you have is evil or ungodly. Understanding this, sometimes, especially at particularly triggering moments, it is easy to slip back into a place of jealousy, envy, and idolatry. Catch yourself slipping by checking in with yourself often. This can look like journaling, reflection questions, or quiet devotion with the Holy Spirit. Often ask yourself, where am I within? Why do I want what I desire? Is God pleased with my heart posture?  “Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.” – Proverbs 4:23

“When you are tempted don’t ever say, “God is tempting me,” for God is incapable of being tempted by evil and he is never the source of temptation. Instead it is each person’s own desires and thoughts that drag them into evil and lure them away into darkness. Evil desires give birth to evil actions. And when sin is fully mature it can murder you! So my friends, don’t be fooled by your own desires!” – James 1:13-16 TPT

Submitting Your Desires to the Lord

A confession to embrace is “My desires are not my God.”

You have everything in you to say no. You can overcome, eliminate, and uproot anything within you that is not of God. Jealousy and Envy aren't siloed. It grows and matures. It can become the reason for your demise, as James 1 mentions. Essentially, you must determine within yourself that you won’t give in or give up – but instead stand on God’s Word, and the truth that He doesn’t withhold any good thing from you!

“For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.” – Psalms 84:11 NLT

As it pertains to my desire for a relationship and marriage, something I’ve been very consistent with is being honest with myself and my closest friends. We chat, laugh, and simply engage in conversation around the topic at a deeper level. We talk about our struggles, hopes, wants, and fears. We simply don’t hold back! Having a community that you can share your desires with can really help you and hold you accountable. My community has helped me avoid slipping into unhealthy relationships and situations. It’s kept me grounded on the goal. It’s not enough to be married one day if you marry the wrong person.

Additionally, I’ve identified areas of growth that will help me one day properly support the relationship I desire. As I’m writing this currently, it’s been two weeks since I began this blog, and just yesterday, another area of growth was revealed to me. I had a very difficult conversation with a friend and opened up about some things that had been bothering me. Only to my surprise, they too pointed out some things I did that bothered them, which I knew nothing about. They pointed out some areas in my character, and even insecurities that may have caused me to react the way I did. After the conversation, I felt so bad, and yet grateful. Bad because, genuinely, I felt like a bad friend in how I handled them. But grateful, because confrontational communication is one of my least favorite things, but I was able to confront something with my friend, and we dealt with it. This one encounter yesterday showed me that I still have some growing to do – and should I bring this behavior into the relationship I desire, it’d be grounds for it actually to crumble.

Something that my Pastor mentioned in a sermon recently is that God doesn’t only want you to reach your promised land, He wants you to occupy it. Could it be that the very thing that you are jealous and envious of others for having is delaying for you as a means of God’s mercy and grace? It’s easy to overlook God’s faithfulness when our heart is raging for something, but there is a need to trust that His ways are good for us, and never evil.

“Here’s what Yahweh says to you: “I know all about the marvelous destiny I have in store for you, a future planned out in detail. My intention is not to harm you but to surround you with peace and prosperity and to give you a beautiful future, glistening with hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 TPT

Eliminate jealousy and envy as a woman by trusting that God’s plans for you are good. His timing for you is good. His intentions with you are good. There’s no way to know, love, and serve God without experiencing His goodness. He ALWAYS means well!

It’s so hard to grasp goodness when all you see is scarcity. Be intentional in looking at all that you have, rather than what you don’t. Practice gratitude!

Recently, I was leading my Bible study group at church, and we were talking about friendships and how marriage and having a family change the dynamics of a friendship. Someone in my group mentioned how when you get married, people often stop inviting you to things – especially fun and spontaneous things, because now that you’re married, you may be considered boring. Other times, it’s out of respect for not wanting to bother you. In that moment, I felt a sense of gratitude. Now let’s be clear, as I mentioned earlier, I’m definitely in a place where certain cliche statements about singleness get on my nerves like: “singleness is the best time of your life” or “you’ll miss this one day.” However, the moment the person mentioned this experience, I felt grateful because I love to be outside and enjoy spontaneity. Even though this is someone’s living reality, that doesn’t mean it has to be mine, even when I reach the place of being married and having a relationship. However, there’s truth to it – every relationship will change as a result of that shift in season. Sometimes, you can be so busy longing for what someone else has that you miss out on what you have. It’s possible that as I desire the relationship another woman has, they are desiring the spontaneous and fun friendship that I have. Maybe the saying is true that the grass is always greener where you water it.

It’s my hope that as I’m sharing this personal and very vulnerable living experience, it encourages you. Honestly, part of me feels like this is even too much to post – too transparent, and too current. But out of obedience to God, and hope for your breakthrough, here it is!

Eliminate jealousy and envy as a woman by deciding not to be that type of woman, and sticking to that decision! Truthfully, the most beautiful version of you is the one that’s most free from such toxic emotions and dispositions! Choose freedom!

Hold onto this scripture – 

“She searches out continually to possess that which is pure and righteous. She delights in the work of her hands.” – Proverbs 31:13 TPT